Fishing jokes wanted

I Heard about this guy that had a big bucket of fish the game warden came over and asked him if he could see his license the guy replied I dont need a license because he was not fishing . the game warden said well how about this big bucket of fish? the guy says these are my pet fish I bring them out here for a swim to get some exercise .I put them in and they swim around for awhile then I call them back and they jump back in the bucket . The game warden says wow I never heard of that before show me . the guy takes the bucket and lowers it down into the water and sure enough the fish all swim out of the bucket, and after they hang around awhile they slowly swim away . the game warden says ok now call the fish back the guy replys what fish !:D:D:D

Know what the definition of fishing really is!!!! A jerk at one end of the pole waiting for a jerk at the other end.

two blondes are fishing each side of the river, the one blonde says how do I get to the other side of the river, the other blonde replies you are on the other side.

There was a priest who went to the fish market to get sum fish. All they had was dam fish. The priest asked, "Why do they call it dam fish?" "Well, because it's found under the dam." So the priest says, "Okay, I will take it home."



That night at supper the priest says, "Will you hand me the dam fish?" The son says, "Well, hell, dad if you're gonna talk like that, can you hand me the f@@king potatoes?"

All ****.....I just want to put boat back in water an go fishing to see what breaks this year, NO JOKE!!!!

I heard this story while fishing in Babe Winkelman's territory on northern Minnesota. An avid walleye fisherman was taken in by the tales of all the big pike being taken up there so he drove 10 hours to a well known lake, rented a cabin and a boat and motor and fished for six days trying everything without one bite. On the seventh and last day of his vacation, at the crack of dawn, he was walking down to the dock for one last shot at a trophy fish when a woman came running toward his screaming, "My Fifi...My Fifi...Help me please!" The fisherman tried to calm the woman to no avail. She was hysterical. In a soothing voice he quietly asked her what happened. She explained through her tears that she was walking her poodle by the end of the pier when the biggest fish she had ever seem, leaped out of the water and grabbed the little dog. Still trying to calm the frantic woman and at the same time getting a little excited, he took her by the hand, looked her straight in the eye and asked, "Ma'am, what color was your dog?

**Disclaimer** I am a Buckeye fan. No Wolverines were harmed in the telling of this joke :)

One upon a time there was a Buckeye fan and a Wolverine fan night fishing on opposites sides of a river. The Wolverine noticed that the Buckeye was catching fish one after another and yelled across, "What are you using for bait?" The Buckeye replied, "Worms." The Wolverine said, "So am I. How come you are catching fish and I'm not?" The Buckeye replied, "I have a hole over here and everytime I throw my bait into it, I catch a fish. Why don't you come over here and fish with me?"

The Wolverine agreed and looked around for a bridge. He called back, " I don't see anyway across." The Buckeye picks up his flashlight and shines it across the river. He says, "Just walk across the beam to this side." The Wolverine thinks about it for a minute and says, " Hell no, you'll turn that light off before I get halfway across!"

A man became notorious for catching fish in all weather conditions he got so well known that the fish and game dept. decided to ck on his technicque so they dispatched an official out to go with him the next time he went fishing after a few minutes in his boat they arrived at the spot he fished .
the man leaned over and opened his tackle box and pulled out a stick of dynamite lit it threw it into the water there was a huge exsplosion and one after another the fish began to float to the top he began to pick them up filling the boat with the biggest ones .
the game warden completely shocked began shouting at the man you cant do that ! the man slowly pulled out another stick of dynamite out of his tackle box lit it and handed it to the officer and said are you going to keep jabbin or fish ?:p

I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife . Best deal I ever made !:rolleyes:

Take The Bait
It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.

He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.

This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.

He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

Bill and Frank rent a boat and go fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore. Bill says to the Frank, "I hope you marked the spot where we caught all those fish." Frank replies, "Yes, I marked an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot." Bill says to Frank sharply, "You idiot. How do you know we'll get the same boat?" :D

A man calls his wife and tells her to get his stuff ready he is going on a weekend fishing trip. So the wife has all his gear,rods, and bags packed when he gets home. He returns from the trip and he ask his wife why she didn't pack his favorite pj's she replied I did I put them in your tackle box!

A few years back my son and I returned home simultaniously from our separate outings, he from the golf course and me from the lake. He had broken par and I had a limit of walleye. We got into a rather lengthy discussion about which sport was better and who really had the most fun. I ended the discussion rather abruptly by asking him this pointed question. "Tell me son, how do you prepare your birdies?"

One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie."Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want. "So, he tied her up and went fishing.

Pleasure is where you find it


Fish Tales

I think Jim could manage a couple things with his motavation and stories I've been hearing....Now Kevin...If that **** happened to me, I probabally say Im fishing- then goto the Bay!

A woman goes into a shop to buy a rod and reel as a gift

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter where there's a shop assistant wearing dark shades. "Excuse me sir" she says "can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

The assistant replies "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's only $20.00".

The lady said, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The assistant rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

"Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, but the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50.":eek:

If a man falls overboard, you holler " Man overboard".
If a woman falls overboard, what do you holler ???
-
-
-
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"Full Speed Ahead !!!"

Two old ladies always fished same spot at river everyday to catch supper. The one lady always caught fish and other never caught much! The lady asks what is your secret to catching so many fish!She replies when i wake in morning i see which way my old mans **** is laying, if left I cast left if right I cast right . The other old lady looks at her and replies '' Oh, well what do you if its straight'' ! She replies ''I stay home''.

A young man and an old man were fishing on a pier.The young man started telling the old one that the night before he caught a trout that was over 3 1/2 foot long.

The old man replied "Oh yea, well I was here 2 nights ago and I hooked something huge. After a 30 minute fight I finaly got it up and it was an old lantern and the thing was still lit."

The young man said "Your lying. I can't believe that."

Then the old man said "I'll tell you what, you knock a couple of feet off your trout and I'll blow out my lantern.":D

A young zealous boy wanted desperately to work at a department store. He approached the store manager who responded they needed no help. Quite persistent, the boy returned again and again until the manager finally said "We're having a holiday sale tomorrow. Why don't you show up and you can give it a try." The elated boy returned the following day and proceeded to sell. At the end of the day the store manager called the youngster over and asked how he had done. The boy responded that he had sold $79,083.50 worth of merchandise. The manager asked how he had done so well. The young man said, "Well this guy was going fishing so I asked if he wanted some fish hooks, he said sure, That's $1.50. I asked if he had a nice fishing pole, he said no, so I got a graphite extension pole for $43.50. Do you have a nice reel, not yet replied the customer... so I got him a nice quick release reel for $35.00. I asked where he was going fishing and he said Strawberry Reservior. I told him the best places to catch fish are near the center, "Do you have a boat?" The man said he didn't so I set him up with a nice outboard 30 foot cruiser for $28,000.00. Then I asked if he had a trailer. He didn't, so I got him a double axle trailer for $3,000.00. Then I asked what he had to tow the boat. He only had a station wagon, so I told him that just wouldn't do, but we could get him a nice fully loaded Dodge Ram dually, racked and packed with a tow package, trailer hitch and everything for $48,000.00. He wanted it all." As you can imagine the store manager was astounded. "And to think it all began with that man asking for a package of fish hooks?" The boy replied, "Oh no, it all began with him asking for some tampons which were $3.50, so I replied, "Well you aren't going to be doing much else this weekend, you might as well go fishing!":p

A fish goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation. Patti looks at the fish in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The fish says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the fish says that his name is Rainbow Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The fish says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain fly rod and reel, about an inch long; detailed and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a fish named Rainbow Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny rod & reel. "I mean, what the heck is this??" The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack. Give the fish a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.":D

Not too long ago I was down at the docks cleaning a cooler full of fish, 2 "Fish Ohio" and none of the rest under 20". Three generations of my family where represented with myself, my father and my grandfather (92 years old) and still cleaning fish... He's kinda slow according to Skipper 9 though. ;)

This older gentleman pulled up on a golf cart and was quite impressed. He went through the usual questions (where did you fish, what color, etc...) then he asked, "Where you trolling or drifting."

I knew where he was headed so I politely acted busy and ignored him. My Father told him we were trolling. Of course the old man proceeds to tell my father and grandfather about how our fish didn't really count, and how we didn't "really" catch them... At one point I did turn around and ask him, "Have you "ever" tried trolling?" To which he quickly replied, "Nope! and I never will!"

This is all the typical blah... blah... blah between the two conversations.

Then my grandfather (who also hates to troll and complains each year that we do because for the last 75 years he has drift fished Lake Erie) says to the guy,

"I'm with you! I'd rather drift fish any day of the week, but I can't get my son and grandson to agree. This trolling business is for the birds! You have to know too much, work too hard, and figure out all your depths and systems. It's too complicated. They are constantly working to maintain exact speed and depths and turning. I'd rather drift! You don't have to know anything or do anything, just throw your bait out there and leave it or reel it in. You don't have to know anything or "work" at catching fish... You may not catch fish, or you might catch bigger fish trolling, but you don't have to know what your doing to drift or cast any idiot can do it!"

My grandfather was completely serious and believes every word. The old guy thought that my 92 year old grandfather was insulting him and left without saying a word.

To this day my grandfather thinks that he and the old guy agreed!

When you are 92 you can get away with saying just about anything!

-Maybe not a joke, but a true story... and it's funny (regardless of whether you drift or troll)

Just say all fisherman are liars except me and you and Im not so sure about you!:D

What does a fish say when it runs into a wall? DAM! My Grandchildren got a kick out of that one as they could say a 'naughty' word and not get in trouble with Mom and Dad :)

If a turtle looses its shell is he naked or homeless ?:p

What do you call a fish with no eye ?
FSH !

This is not a fishing joke but here it is any way
A young woman was pulled over by an Oregon state trooper
as he aproached the car he pulled out his ticket book to write the young lady a ticket
She said to him in her best sarcastic voice " I guess your going to sell me a ticket to the Oregon State Troopers Ball " ?
The Trooper said in an equally sarcastic voice "Oregon State Troopers Dont Have Balls ! "
after a moment the Trooper tiped his hat and let her go .;)

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.
One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you." The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years.

Four guys have been going on the same fishin trip 4 years.2 days be4 the group is 2 leave,sams wife puts her foot down and tells him he isnt going.sams fishin mates r very upset that he cant go,but what can they do?Two days later,the three get to the camping site to find sam sitting there with a tent set up,firewood gathered, dinner cooking on the fire,and having a cold beer. Crap sam how long have you been here? how did you talk your misses into letting you go? Well ive been here since last night.Yesterday evening i was sitting in my livingroom chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked guess who?Ipulled her hands off and there she was, wearing a sheer nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom.The bedroom had candles and rosepedals all over. Well shes been reading that book, 50 shades of gray.On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so i did. And then she said Do whatever you want. So here i am!

The ohio dnr is working on cross breeding a coho salmon for the fight, a walleye for the taste, and a musky for the ferociousness. It will be called a CO WALL SKI but the the dam thing is so dumb it keeps forgetting to breathe. JUST KIDDING NO POLLOCKS WERE HARMED IN THE TELLING OF THIS JOKE.

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible"

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

An older gentleman is spending a relaxing weekend with his wife at the same fishing resort they stayed at on their honeymoon 35 years prior. After a nice bluegill dinner he decides to walk down to the pier where he saw a young man fishing earlier in the afternoon. He sits down just as the younger fellow pulls in a beautiful pumpkinseed and introduces himself. Turns out the young fisherman is on his honeymoon as well. "Bet you can't wait to get back to the cabin tonight eh, young fella" he says. "Naah, says the newlywed with a wistful shake of the head. There won't be anything going on tonight. My new wife just informed me that she has ghonnorhea." The older man is obviously quite taken aback and at a loss for words. In desperation to remedy the awkward situation he chuckles and says "Well, I've been told that there are plenty of other ways to consumate your matrimony while that little condition is being taken care of. I'm sure you youngsters will find a way." "I'm afraid not, comes the reply. She has herpes and the worst case of diarrhea you could ever imagine. Everything is pretty much off-limits and out of order." "Good Lord!!" the old-timer exclaims, with a look of disgust and amazement. "Why on earth are you here fishing instead of back at home beating on a lawyers door for a divorce?!!" The kid calmly reels in another fat 'gill, puts in in his basket and says "Well, she's got worms too."

Defination of boat...
Bust
Out
Another
Thousand

My stepdad also gave me one pc. of advise..somewhat fishing related.

It Flys, Floats, or F**ks, your better off renting it.